Why comparison steals the joy 🎄

Hello!

I came across the most interesting tweet recently. Christmas prep is in full flow in most households around the country, the Christmas ads are decking the feeds, and Christmas music is officially allowed. 

How are you feeling about it?

I’m especially looking forward to it this year, because it feels like we haven’t had a lot of time together as a family these past few months. It’s also going to be poignant, I’m sure - our middle boy leaves just after Christmas day to head off on a 6 month travel adventure (more on this next week) and we know it’s our last Christmas with a loved one. 

But it’s also a lot of pressure. Granted, some of you won’t feel this - but lots of us do. I don’t just mean the amount of stuff to actually do and prepare, but also the how and what of all the Christmas stuff. Am I doing enough for the kids? Should I do Elf on the Shelf? (answer = no, unless it’s a joy for you, you’ve got enough to do) Do we have enough decorations? Do we have enough lights? Should we do a Christmas Eve box? (answer also no, again, unless you really want to - nobody needs anymore shoulds in their life) Am I enjoying myself? Is everyone else enjoying themselves? Am I spending too much, or our kids getting less than other people’s kids? Am I cooking my sprouts in a special enough way? What if I don’t use goose fat? 

Then for some of us, of course, there’s the deeper stuff. 

It’s been a hard year. Perhaps there’s an empty seat at the table this Christmas. Or there’s a broken relationship, too much or too little has been said. Christmas together feels like a last ditch attempt to make things work. Your grown-up siblings haven’t been there for you and now you’re all together and need to behave like everything’s alright. You’ve lost your job, or you’re fearful for your financial future next year. You’re desperate for a break because you just don’t love what you’re doing. You feel time is ticking away and you’re slowly losing your confidence, or any belief that you’re actually going to bring about any change. 

Whether it’s the smaller stuff, or the bigger stuff, Christmas is, for all of us, a whole host of emotions. Joy, love, peace, but also possibly loneliness, anxiety and comparison. 

One thing that I am convinced makes all the above worse, is the human disposition to compare, and Christmas just seems to heighten the stakes here. Christmas Comparison is a thing, apparently. We see whatever everyone else is doing, and we judge ourselves against it. Sometimes we come off on top (hello pride) and sometimes we come off on the bottom (hello shame). It’s not all social media’s fault, this is not a new phenomenon, but the fact we are bombarded with everyone else’s lives everywhere we turn surely doesn’t help. 

According to therapist Sally Baker, social media has upped the ante on the perfection scale to such a degree that it’s easy for Christmas to fall short, whatever your situation.

 “Christmas is a heady mix of nostalgia and mythology for most people, and the reality doesn’t live up to most people’s complex and emotionally-loaded expectations. It’s a no-win to compare the reality of Christmas to the intricately-curated visuals on social media platforms. Christmas Comparison Syndrome shifts the focus away from what Christmas ‘feels’ like to the superficial gloss of what Christmas ‘looks’ like.” 

In other words? We’re simply not comparing like-for-like.

There was a tweet that went viral a while back. 

There are over 3000 comments on this thread, full of people sharing selfies that they’d previously shared online, full of happy smiles and laughter. This time, they shared the truth of what was really going on for them.

“I had a panic attack and bawled my eyes out while getting ready for my birthday brunch”

“I’d been out of work for three months here, and was struggling to pay my bills”

“I posted this around 6pm and attempted to take my own life around 10pm the same night.”

The point of this isn’t to feel better about ourselves because life is tough for others. It’s about a reality check for us all. 

For most of us, life is wonderful, and life is hard all at the same time. People put on a smile, and we think this means everything is rosy, and it might be, but it also might not be. 

We are comparing our behind-the-scenes-lives with someone else’s highlight reel. 

So how do we stop doing it? Great question, and no easy answer. Over and over, as well as well-meaning therapists and coaches, science actually tells us that gratitude is the perfect antidote for comparison. Not platitudes that have no meaning, but being present in the here and now and fiercely choosing to see what there is to be grateful for.  Even when it’s hard, it is a practice that is central to us living fulfilled lives, not based on a mindset of lack, but on an attitude of gratitude (ok that is very cheesy but it’s staying in). 

If you’d like to explore this further, you can find out more about this topic in my latest podcast episode, where I take this concept further, helping us to reframe our perspective and follow this peace this Christmastime (and always!). 

One quick thing before I sign off with the usual quote, stat and question to get you thinking. If part of you resonated with the bit above about being in a career that isn’t working for you anymore, or you’re feeling a sense of dissatisfaction with how life is and you want to understand your purpose in life, then The Purpose Pursuit™ is back in Jan. You can get your name down on the wait list if you want to be the first to find out more and get the special offers.

1 quote: “I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.”–Maya Angelou

1 stat: According to the charity Mind, 1 in 3 of us feel pressure to have the ‘perfect Christmas’ and 1 in 6 of us feel lonelier at Christmas than any other time of the year.

1 question: What one thing could you let go of to reduce the pressure and embrace a more meaningful Christmas?

Love,

Hannah x