Advocating for Ourselves: A Lesson I’m Still Learning
Hello everyone,
As I was pegging the washing out earlier, I found myself thinking about how to approach the topic of advocating for ourselves. My thoughts drifted, as they often do these days, to my mom.
She’s on my mind a lot lately. About a month ago, she moved into residential care. My lovely, vibrant, beautiful, kind, brave mom. Her body isn’t as strong as it once was, and her mind is beginning to play cruel tricks on her. Parkinson’s disease has made life incredibly hard for her.
I found myself thinking about her at my age. I would’ve been about ten then.
By that point, she had become a nannie while still raising me, working part-time, running our home full-time, supporting my dad, always saying yes to anyone who asked for help - and caring for both her stepmum and her mother-in-law.
And I got to thinking; did she ever advocate for herself?
Did she ever say, “Actually, I need some help,” or “I can’t do that today,” or “I need to get out of here and go for a walk/run/scream/insert word of your choice”?
I don’t think she did. At least, I can’t remember her doing so. She gave the impression that she could just keep going, that she could carry it all, silently and selflessly. And although I’m sure she had things that nourished her soul, I don’t think I noticed. I certainly didn’t realise that she might have needed time and space just for herself.
Writing that, I feel more than a pang of guilt. I feel such sadness for the version of my mom in that season because I didn’t notice. I didn’t think to ask. I was a teenager, and like many teens, the world revolved around me. I didn’t realise she had needs, too. That maybe, if she’d had more space to look after herself, her body might be stronger today.
Did anyone model self-advocacy for you?
As I comb through my memories, I’m realising something: if we don’t advocate for ourselves - if we don’t name what we need - it’s quite possible no one else will. Not because others don’t care, but because they simply might not notice. We’re all so busy. We don’t always stop to see the person quietly wearing thin, again and again putting their own needs on the backburner.
So many of us are wearing multiple hats - parent, partner, friend, worker, carer. And we give so much, often willingly. But if our own needs never make the list (let alone the top of it), we become exhausted, depleted, and eventually, resentful.
Learning to advocate for ourselves isn’t selfish. It’s wise. It’s healthy. It’s how we reclaim agency over our own lives, and how we model something important for those around us, especially the next generation.
In this week’s podcast, we delve deeper into the idea of self-advocacy, including:
How self-advocacy isn’t about me first, but everybody benefits
How boundaries don’t have to be rigid or unkind
How asking for help is not a weakness (I need this reminder on repeat)
How to uncover and challenge the unhelpful "truths" we’ve come to believe
How to use simple “bring and need” language to communicate better with others
I hope this reminder, and this week’s episode encourage you to give yourself the time and space you need to stay well - not as an indulgence, but as a necessity. You are not a robot with infinite battery life (and even robots need charging). It’s time we modelled a healthier relationship with ourselves, for the sake of everyone who’s watching and learning from us.
Love,
Hannah
P.S. If this topic resonates with you, there's a whole section in my upcoming book that explores burnout: how we get there, and how sometimes our very own personalities (even the most well-meaning parts) can quietly lead us in that direction.
The book is now available for preorder, and those early preorders really can make a big difference in helping it reach more people when it's released. Thank you so much for your support. I'll be sharing more in the weeks ahead!